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Sometimes a space that once felt right begins to feel a little small.
You know the conversations. You know what is expected of you. You know exactly who you are allowed to be there. And you start wondering what else is out there. New places. Different people. Conversations that make you curious. A chance to discover interests you haven’t made room for yet. There can be guilt in that. Especially when nothing is particularly wrong. But you don’t have to dislike where you are to want to explore beyond it. You can appreciate what a place has given you and still feel ready to leave some of its familiarity behind. Take the class. Visit somewhere new. Go on your own if you need to. Let yourself be surprised again. You may have more left to discover about yourself than your current surroundings can show you.
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People pleasing is usually framed as kindness.
We think of the people pleaser as thoughtful, accommodating, easy to be around. The person who doesn’t want to upset anyone. The one who keeps the peace, says yes, adjusts, smooths things over, and makes sure everyone else is comfortable. But there is another side to it that we don’t talk about enough. People pleasing can actually make relationships less intimate. And, uncomfortable as it may sound, it can also be a pretty selfish way of being. Not selfish in the obvious sense. Not selfish because the person doesn’t care about others. Usually the opposite is true. People pleasers often care deeply. But underneath all that accommodating can be a strong need to control how other people see us. I want you to like me. I don’t want you to be disappointed in me. I don’t want you to think I’m difficult. I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want to have to sit with your anger, your hurt, your disagreement, or even your temporary discomfort. So instead of telling you what I really think, I give you the version of myself that I believe will be easiest for you to accept. That may keep things pleasant. But pleasant and close are not the same thing. Real closeness requires something much riskier: being known. Not the agreeable version of you. Not the polished version. Not the version who always says, ‘Whatever works for you.’ The real one. The person with an opinion. . The person who gets irritated. The person who sometimes says no. The person who disagrees. The person who wants something different. The person who may disappoint someone and survive it. If I constantly change myself according to what I think you need from me, you never really get to have a relationship with me. You get to have a relationship with my adaptation. And there is something lonely about that for both people... One person may believe there is deep closeness because there is very little conflict. Meanwhile, the other person may be quietly swallowing opinions, resentment, exhaustion and unmet needs. Eventually those things have somewhere to go. They show up as withdrawal. Irritation. Passive aggression. Sudden boundaries that seem to come out of nowhere. Emotional distance. Or the familiar sentence: ‘After everything I have done for you…’ That sentence often reveals the hidden contract underneath people pleasing. This is where people pleasing becomes unfair. We sometimes make other people responsible for needs we have never clearly expressed. Then we resent them for not meeting those needs. We avoid telling the truth because we are afraid honesty might create distance, when the opposite is often true. Honesty is what creates depth. People pleasing often tries to eliminate the very friction that allows intimacy to develop. Because closeness isn’t built by never disappointing each other. It is built by discovering that we can disappoint each other, misunderstand each other, disagree, repair, apologize, adjust and still remain connected. There is tremendous freedom in letting another adult have their own reaction. They might be annoyed. They might misunderstand you. They might think you are being difficult. They might even decide they don’t like your boundary. And that does not automatically mean you have done something wrong. Their feelings belong to them. Your responsibility is not to engineer everyone’s emotional experience of you. Your responsibility is to be honest, respectful and accountable. There is a difference. Giving up people pleasing can make you a far more generous person. Because when you say yes, people can trust your yes. When you give, it is because you genuinely want to give. When you apologize, it is because you mean it. When you disagree, the other person knows where you actually stand. And when you say, ‘I love you,’ there is a real person standing behind the words. Not a carefully constructed version designed to keep everyone happy. Maybe the goal isn’t to become less caring. Maybe it is to become less afraid of being fully seen. Because the deepest relationships are not built between two people who never upset each other. They are built between two people who slowly learn: I can tell you the truth. You can tell me the truth. Neither of us has to disappear in order for this relationship to survive. I’ve been thinking about this idea of ‘soul contracts’ and whether we are really meant to follow one fixed path. What if you decide you want something that was never supposedly meant for you? What if you start visualizing it, believing in it, changing your habits, learning, meeting different people, and slowly becoming the kind of person who could actually live that life? Did you go off track? Or was your ability to choose a new path part of the plan all along? I don’t think life is as fixed as we sometimes make it sound or believe. Maybe we are born with certain strengths, lessons, patterns, and possibilities, but we still have a say in what we build from them. The subconscious matters, yes. But maybe not because it magically gives us everything we ask for. Maybe it matters because once we truly believe something is possible, we start behaving differently. We notice opportunities. We take more risks. We stay with things longer. We stop talking ourselves out of every idea before it even has a chance. And then life starts answering back. Sometimes the path opens. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes what we thought we wanted leads us to something completely different. That is alignment too! I don’t think we are here to discover one perfect life that was already written for us. We are here to participate in creating it. And maybe some of our deepest desires are not always telling us exactly what to become. Sometimes they are simply showing us which part of ourselves is ready to come alive.  What if you stopped waiting for your life to change and started living a little more like the person you want to become? Not all at once. Just one thing a day. If your dream life includes a healthier you, - take the walk. If it includes a more peaceful home, - clear one drawer. If you want a different career, - send one email. If you want more adventure, - go somewhere new. If you want to become an artist, - paint. We often think transformation requires a dramatic leap. But most lives are changed in much quieter ways. One decision. Then another. Then another. Start asking yourself, ‘What would I do today if I were already living the life I want?’ Then do one small piece of that. You don’t have to wait until you arrive to begin living like that person. You become her along the way. And one day, you may look around and realize the dream life you kept imagining is no longer somewhere in the future. You are standing right in it.  |
Annica JohanssonMy name is Annica Johansson, and I am a Sound Healing Practitioner and an Artist. I am writing about personal development, daily musings, spirituality and depicting mother nature's amazing beauty. Welcome! Categories
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