People pleasing.

People pleasing is usually framed as kindness.
 
We think of the people pleaser as thoughtful, accommodating, easy to be around. The person who doesn’t want to upset anyone. The one who keeps the peace, says yes, adjusts, smooths things over, and makes sure everyone else is comfortable.
 
But there is another side to it that we don’t talk about enough.
 
People pleasing can actually make relationships less intimate.
 
And, uncomfortable as it may sound, it can also be a pretty selfish way of being.
Not selfish in the obvious sense. Not selfish because the person doesn’t care about others. Usually the opposite is true. People pleasers often care deeply.
But underneath all that accommodating can be a strong need to control how other people see us.
 
I want you to like me.
I don’t want you to be disappointed in me.
I don’t want you to think I’m difficult.
I don’t want you to leave.
I don’t want to have to sit with your anger, your hurt, your disagreement, or even your temporary discomfort.
 
So instead of telling you what I really think, I give you the version of myself that I believe will be easiest for you to accept.
 
That may keep things pleasant.
 
But pleasant and close are not the same thing.
 
Real closeness requires something much riskier: being known.
Not the agreeable version of you. Not the polished version. Not the version who always says, ‘Whatever works for you.’
The real one.
The person with an opinion. .
The person who gets irritated.
The person who sometimes says no.
The person who disagrees.
The person who wants something different.
The person who may disappoint someone and survive it.
 
If I constantly change myself according to what I think you need from me, you never really get to have a relationship with me.
You get to have a relationship with my adaptation.
And there is something lonely about that for both people...
 
One person may believe there is deep closeness because there is very little conflict. Meanwhile, the other person may be quietly swallowing opinions, resentment, exhaustion and unmet needs.
Eventually those things have somewhere to go.
 
They show up as withdrawal.
Irritation.
Passive aggression.
Sudden boundaries that seem to come out of nowhere.
Emotional distance.
Or the familiar sentence:
‘After everything I have done for you…’
 
That sentence often reveals the hidden contract underneath people pleasing.
 
This is where people pleasing becomes unfair.
We sometimes make other people responsible for needs we have never clearly expressed.
Then we resent them for not meeting those needs.
We avoid telling the truth because we are afraid honesty might create distance, when the opposite is often true.
Honesty is what creates depth.
 
People pleasing often tries to eliminate the very friction that allows intimacy to develop.
Because closeness isn’t built by never disappointing each other.
 
It is built by discovering that we can disappoint each other, misunderstand each other, disagree, repair, apologize, adjust and still remain connected.
 
There is tremendous freedom in letting another adult have their own reaction.
They might be annoyed.
They might misunderstand you.
They might think you are being difficult.
They might even decide they don’t like your boundary.
 
And that does not automatically mean you have done something wrong.
 
Their feelings belong to them.
Your responsibility is not to engineer everyone’s emotional experience of you.
Your responsibility is to be honest, respectful and accountable.
There is a difference.
 
Giving up people pleasing can make you a far more generous person.
 
Because when you say yes, people can trust your yes.
When you give, it is because you genuinely want to give.
When you apologize, it is because you mean it.
When you disagree, the other person knows where you actually stand.
And when you say, ‘I love you,’ there is a real person standing behind the words.
 
Not a carefully constructed version designed to keep everyone happy.
 
Maybe the goal isn’t to become less caring.
 
Maybe it is to become less afraid of being fully seen.
 
Because the deepest relationships are not built between two people who never upset each other.
 
They are built between two people who slowly learn:
I can tell you the truth.
You can tell me the truth.
Neither of us has to disappear in order for this relationship to survive.